I fear that I am my greatest antithesis. Others can, and have, caused issues, but as I get closer to peace, I always find myself as the final obstacle. Peace is not a thing I’m great at. Facing one’s trauma is one thing, but unlearning the negative parts of yourself that got you through those times is another. I still put my needs to the side. My priority is always the peace and comfort of others over myself. I still find bad people, those that make me want to isolate entirely. And at times, with a mix of fear and nerve, I consider simply leaving. I think I could do it alone. Away from everything.
As I make progress, I grow more concerned about what is to come. This whole blog is filled with my concerns about what is to come. Even if I sort out my mind, Even if I break the chain of fate of the many women preceding me, Letting my life be working like this for 40 or more years chills me. How does one find peace if the structure in which they reside is in opposition to that? I know I at times am in opposition to finding peace, but how much am I without the culture, without the cultivation? Am I really to blame?
I know I can’t be alone in this. Certainly, others must fear their expected path. Whether generational, cultural, or social. I don’t want to waste away on a path I cannot control. I want my life to be my own.